


there's a happy ending to this somewhere

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, just. sad i guess, not really angst, sorry - Freeform, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 18:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16101482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bold speaks in volumes.





	there's a happy ending to this somewhere

_ Ryan,  _

_ I love you.  _

_ I love you, not in the way that I love video games or the way that you love books.  _

_ Before you, I thought love was just a thing that people made up to believe in something. But I realized that just because I hadn’t ever experienced it doesn’t mean it’s made up. _

_ I don’t know when I first realized that I loved you. I do remember waking up one day and thinking, ‘Oh my god, I love Ryan Haywood’ but I’m sure I knew before that. (but not that love at first sight shit. You were an asshole when we first met and you know it) _

 

**I was fucking terrified when I figured that out.**

**To be honest, I’m still scared. I’m scared because I know I’ll drive you away one day. When it’s late at night, and you have your arms around me like you don’t want to let go, I’ll think, ‘Maybe tomorrow will be the day he realizes what a piece of shit I am and he will let go’. It makes me feel sick. You’re the only thing that makes me feel good about myself but even then, I make myself feel shitty anyway.**

**I don’t want to feel shitty. I want to get up and do shit even when I’m feeling sad. I don’t want you to have to worry about me so much. You put the weight of the world on your shoulders and I don’t want to make you more stressed than you already are.**

**I want to make you as happy as you make me. But, fuck, I can’t even do that right.**

**You’re the one good thing in my life and I’ll ruin this too. I know I will.**

 

“What are you writing?” Ryan asks, now standing in the doorway to the living room. Ray scrambles to crumple up the ripped out notebook paper in front of him. When Ryan raises an eyebrow, Ray tucks his legs up against his chest defensively. He opens his mouth to make some sort of joking remark but he falters.

“Nothing.” Ryan walks to the kitchen counter and picks his jacket off of it. Ray sits up.

“Where are you going?” Ray asks, his voice almost wavering. He feels sick–  _ I should’ve told him. Now he’s mad. He’s leaving. _

“I’m just going to pick up something for Geoff.” Ryan is in front of Ray now, leaning down. “I’ll be back in an hour at the most. I promise.”  _ I’m being clingy. _ Ray doesn’t respond or really move at all and Ryan kisses the top of his head and stands back up, heading to the door. Ray watches him and then he stands up quickly, probably a bit too quick because he gets a headrush.

“Ryan–” Ray says and Ryan turns around. Ray pauses, the simple words sitting in the back of his throat, ready to jump out. “I–…” Nothing comes out, and he bunches his hand into a fist. “Wanna watch a movie when you get back?” Ryan smiles at him and his heart thumps loudly in his chest.

“Sure.” Ryan walks back to him, cupping Ray’s face with so much care that it makes his heart hurt. He kisses him gently and Ray is cursing himself out in his head.  _ You should have just said it. He thinks there’s something wrong with you. There is something wrong with you. _ “See you soon.” Ryan says after pulling away, his hands moving away from Ray’s face.

“See you soon.” Ray repeats and Ryan leaves, leaving Ray standing by himself in their living room.

 

–

 

_ Ryan, I love you. _

_ I love when you stay in bed with me in the mornings and we just sort of lay together, you know? _

_ I can hear your heartbeat and your breathing and I hope it doesn’t creep you out too much.  _

_ It just reminds me that you’re still there. _

 

**I feel selfish when you hold me.**

**I know I’m weighing you down. You could do so much better than me, but you stay.**

**Are you unhappy? I wouldn’t blame you if you were.**

 

–

 

“Ryan is so cool.” Gavin coos, looking down at the drone in his hands. Ryan, being the tech guy, had made some sort of drone for Gavin (the guy is obsessed with them, for some reason). That was about 30 minutes. Gavin has been enchanted with it ever since. Ray has stopped giving up at responding, as his comments seemed to be directed to himself. 

“He’s hot, too.” Michael says from the other side of the room, looking at his phone. Ray doesn’t react. He’s not jealous– Michael and Gavin both have each other’s dicks so far up their asses that they wouldn’t think of doing Ray so dirty like that. They’re simply admiring his boyfriend. He deserves the praise.  _ Deserves much more than me, too. _

“Ray, you’re so lucky. He’s spoiled you rotten, hasn’t he?” At the beginning of their relationship, Ryan did try and give him things. Ray never really wants anything, though. And whatever he does want, he just gets himself. He doesn’t want Ryan to have to do more shit that he already does, specifically for him. Ray wastes Ryan’s time enough already, he doesn’t need to stress anymore about Ray. Ray just shrugs in response. 

“He’s great.”  _ Yeah, obviously. _ “I still can’t imagine how someone like you got with Ryan.”  _ Ouch. It’s true– but ouch. _ Ray knows that Gavin had good intentions– or did he? Is that how their whole crew felt and they just never said anything? Ray stands up, ignoring the knot in his stomach.  _ They all think I don’t deserve him, too. _

“What the fuck, Gavin?” Michael says. Ray tucks his DS into his pocket, hiding under the layers of emotions he’s currently feeling, and walks out the door, feeling 100 times shittier than he had before.

 

 

–

 

_ Ryan, _

_ I love you. _

_ I love how you try to act tough, and you are, (my big strong man <3) but I know you’re soft. _

_ You’re considerate, like when you helped that old lady trying to find her way to her granddaughter's for an hour. Man, Geoff was so mad but that lady looked at you like you were a hero. God, if you were anybody else in our crew, they would’ve mowed her down without a second thought. _

 

**Sometimes, I don’t get it.**

**I don’t know how you can be so fucking wonderful all the time.**

**I know you try hard to make everyone happy, which makes me a little nervous.**

**Are you only staying with me because you want to make me happy?**

**I wish you could put yourself before others.**

**I want you to be happy.**

**I’m so scared that I’m doing nothing to help you be happy.**

**I’m still weighing you down, aren’t I?**

 

Ray wrinkles up the paper, tossing it underneath the bed. He’s tried so hard to say the words but they don’t come out, and his tongue instead forms some sort of ramble that makes Ryan smile but it probably just makes him irritated. Ray just wastes his time. 

He turns off the light on the nightstand and lays down, wondering when Ryan will come to the room. He usually stays up later reading, and sometimes Ray will join him just to sit in his lap and play Animal Crossing but Ray quickly scurried off to bed before Ryan could say a word to him. He feels like shit. Nothing new.

He hears the door open and close and it’s quiet. Ryan probably thinks Ray is asleep. So he shuts his eyes. If Ryan knows he’s awake, he might try and talk to him. God, he’s really avoiding his boyfriend, now.  _ I’m the fucking worst. _

Ray’s back is to Ryan’s side of the bed and he feels the bed dip slightly when Ryan gets into it. Soon, there’s a warmth against his back and Ryan’s arm around his waist. Ryan kisses the back of Ray’s neck. Ray almost cries.

 

–

 

_ Ryan, _

_ I love you. _

 

**I’m the worst.**

**You could do so much better.**

**And I know you’re unhappy already, and the way I’ve been avoiding you is only making it worse, isn’t it? I’ve been treating you like shit.**

**It’s nothing you’ve done. It’s never you.**

**I feel so awful, keeping you here with me.**

**I need you, but I need you to be happy.**

**I don’t think I can get both of those things.**   
  


**Author's Note:**

> (i'm too sad to write a happy ending but i swear good things happen)
> 
> this is so half assed im sorry
> 
> thank you for reading.


End file.
